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  —Unattrib.

  Absolutes and extremes are regular elements in flawed-logic gags because they are immutable. A negation, reduction, exaggeration or irony that appears to contradict this can yield comic results. Death, for example, is an absolute, yet in the hands of a comic intelligence it can be changeable as the wind.

  You kill me and I’ll see that you never work in this town again.

  —The Man with Two Brains, (George Gipe and Steve Martin)

  You realise that suicide’s a criminal offence. In less enlightened times, they’d have hung you for it.

  —Bedazzled, (Peter Cook and Dudley Moore)

  MIKE: And say hello to Father Stephenson for me.

  STUDENT: He’s dead.

  MIKE: Oh, that’s terrible. Uh, well, tell him I’m sorry to hear that.

  —Frontline (‘Playing the Ego Card’ by Santo Cilauro, Tom Gleisner, Jane Kennedy and Rob Sitch)

  But any absolute will do:

  Sterility is hereditary.

  —Alexandre Bouthors

  EXERCISE

  Devise simple twists on the following absolutes and extremes:

  Hideousness

  Deafness

  Secret

  Suicide

  Virginity

  Chapter Two:

  Gag Categories

  There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

  —Steven Wright

  All categories, or genres, of humour (deadpan, smutty, feminist, musical, rhyming, satire, farce, topical etcetera) follow the same structure. Smutty humour, for example, no matter how filthy, derives from the same principles that govern family-friendly comedy. A gag is a gag, even with the C-bomb in the middle of it. Sexual and scatological jokes, for example, frequently observe the juxtaposition principle because there are so many euphemisms for sex. ‘Banging like a dunny door’, ‘knob-polishing’ and ‘second base’ all have literal meanings with which a gag-writer can play. These double-meanings can also be used to create narrative gags such as misinterpretations, distortions and cover-ups. And juxtapositions occur, although perhaps not as frequently, in all genres of humour.

  Even innocent terms can be twisted into sexual positions. No word is safe—‘going’, ‘coming’, ‘doing’, ‘having’ and ‘it’ each have ribald applications. Guys named ‘Roger’, ‘Dick’ or ‘Rod’ also have a hard time, as does the phrase ‘hard time’.

  There are five types of straight-up gags:

  Incongruous juxtapositions

  Malapropisms and misinterpretations

  The obvious

  The absurd

  Wordplay

  A joke may combine types. For example, Jane Ace, co-star of the ground-breaking U.S. radio domestic comedy Easy Aces (1930–1945), was renowned for malapropisms such as, ‘I always wanted to see my name up in tights’, which juxtaposes the incongruous images of her name in lights with her name spelt out in tights. Such hybrids don’t make new principles. They merely confirm that there are a limited number of gag ingredients in the world. Combining meat and potatoes doesn’t make a whole new substance.

  Although the jokes below are broken down into categories and subcategories, they are not a definitive or comprehensive list. The principles below do not cover narrative gags (gags that move a comic story). These are covered later in ‘Narrative Comedy Principles and Exercises’.

  Don’t be put off if you don’t laugh as you write your gags—it’s hard to enjoy a sausage once you’ve seen what goes into it. If you do laugh it’s likely to be at the more offensive gags you devise: their riskiness sparks a twinge of guilt or apprehension in the writer. (A table of professional joke-writers, for example, will simply nod at great gags in much the same way as a bricklayer admires a well-built house. But an offensive joke, or alternately a joke that’s just not funny, can have them in stitches.)

  In fact, a satirical, profane or sexual element is more or less essential to adult humour. Innocuous gags, such as knock-knock jokes, while technically humorous, are often only really funny to a five-year-old. Adults use humour to deal with things that cause genuine fear or anxiety, whereas kids’ jokes tend to deal with an aspect of the world that, as adults, we’ve already figured out.

  Incongruous Juxtapositions

  ‘Incongruous juxtapositions’ is a fancy name for gags that draw a connection between things that appear to have little in common.

  PUNS

  The simplest juxtaposition gag is the pun. They ‘happun’ all the time.

  Puns are often seen as trite but the truth is, everybody uses them, from children to nuns to the world’s greatest comedians. Puns are as sophisticated as the writers who create them. Some comedians may even get a perverse laugh by highlighting the lameness of a pun.

  Puns include any humorous use of a word suggesting another meaning of the word:

  I was asked by a waitress … ‘Would you care for an orange juice?’ I said, ‘If it needed me.’

  —Carl Barron

  How long was I in the Army? Five foot eleven.

  —Spike Milligan

  My parents are from Glasgow, which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

  —Susan Murray

  A pun can also use a word or phrase similar in sound to another word or phrase with a different but apposite meaning:

  I will not be deterred. You will be deterred.

  —Flacco (Paul Livingston)

  (Sounds like ‘You will be the turd’)

  The poet had written better poems, but he’d also written verse.

  —Unattrib.

  When the cannibal showed up late to lunch, they gave him the cold-shoulder.

  —Unattrib.

  An obvious, one-step punchline may provoke a groan and a slap to the forehead rather than a laugh; we think, ‘Ah, I should’ve seen that one’.

  Q: How do trees get on the internet?

  A: They log in.

  —Unattrib.

  As trees lack both a brain and fingers, they are unlikely ever to want to go on the internet, so the basic scenario of the joke lacks conviction. There is little to misdirect us and the joke feels lame. However, putting a group of not-so-hot associations together can have better results because it creates a rapid sequence of connections that the audience couldn’t devise on the spot.

  Q: What do politicians and pigs have in common?

  A: They have thick skin, their snouts in the trough and they provide a lot of pork.

  Okay, it’s not a piece of comic genius, but it illustrates the principle. (There’s a ‘red oink’ joke in there somewhere too, but let’s quit while we’re ahead.)

  Even though a pun does not require a context to be understood, sitcoms regularly use them to display character as well as get a laugh:

  SAFFIE: Where are you going?

  EDDIE: New York.

  SAFFIE: I don’t think they let people with drug convictions in.

  EDDIE: Darling, it’s not a conviction.

  PATSY: Just a firm belief.

  EDDIE: Yes.

  —Absolutely Fabulous (‘Fish Farm’ by Jennifer Saunders)

  Another form of incongruous juxtaposition relies upon the audience’s common knowledge. This might be a frequently quoted text or song, or the life circumstances of a public figure. If it’s a quote, the audience will run it in their heads as they listen, and when the punchline departs from the quote in a way that creates an unexpected juxtaposition, the result can be humorous.

  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will only cause permanent psychological damage.

  —Frank Woodley

  This line relies for its impact on our familiarity with the childhood chant. For the second half of the chant, it substitutes something perhaps closer to the truth.

  I’m so tough my Rice Bubbles don’t go ‘snap, crackle and pop’. They just sit in the packet and say, ‘Shhh, here he comes.’
/>   —George Smilovici

  We’re familiar with Snap, Crackle and Pop from the advertising campaign, so their suddenly hushed tone is a surprise.

  Tori Spelling walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Why the long face?’

  —Unattrib.

  This is a joke on a joke, playing upon a well-known gag in which the protagonist is a horse. Horses have long faces. The actress Tori Spelling also has a long face.

  The most straightforward technique for devising juxtapositions is as follows:

  Choose two concepts you intend to juxtapose.

  For each concept, draw up a list of associations. Words, names, songs, phrases, euphemisms, similes, people and organisations may all be included. The list can be as long as you like.

  Look for connections between both lists. For example, a word that appears in both lists or sounds similar to a word in the other list. Or find phrases, songs or quotations that contain key words that relate your central concepts in some way, or can be manipulated to do so.

  Devise a simple scenario or question, or make an observation that brings the two concepts together. For example, if you want to write a joke that connects horses and newlyweds, the two lists might include:

  HORSES NEWLYWEDS

  Saddle ‘Just married’

  Hoof Parents-in-law

  Racing ‘I do’

  Jockeys Honeymoon

  Stallion ‘Going To The Chapel’

  Thoroughbreds Virginity lost

  Bridle Bridal gown

  Giddy up! Bridal suite

  Melbourne Cup Groom

  Theme from Black Beauty Best man

  Spurs Down the aisle

  Grooming Altar

  Horse-whispering Church steeple

  Steeplechase Breeding

  Breeding Mister and Missus

  Bloodlines To honour and obey

  Phar Lap Civil ceremony

  Stud Confetti

  In this case, the lists share a homophone: ‘bridle’ and ‘bridal’. It’s not difficult to imagine a scenario in which one of these words might be used. After some experimentation, a joke may emerge. For example:

  A honeymooning bride approaches a hotel reception desk and asks for a suite. The hotel manager asks, ‘Bridal?’ ‘No thanks,’ replies the bride, ‘I’ll break him in gently’.

  There are also three homonyms:

  HORSES NEWLYWEDS

  Steeple(chase) (Church) steeple

  Groom Groom

  Breeding Breeding

  Simply posing the question ‘What do brides and horses have in common?’ provokes the following answers:

  They both like a groom.

  They both run to steeples.

  They both need good breeding.

  The bow can be stretched as far as you like so long as there’s a recognisable connection for the audience. Note however that the former scenario is funnier because it reveals character and introduces an element of implied danger. We instantly identify with the poor groom.

  EXERCISE

  Devise punchlines for the following questions:

  What do cats and porn have in common?

  What’s the difference between cats and porn?

  What do lawyers and cannibals have in common?

  What’s the difference between lawyers and cannibals?

  What do dwarves and blondes have in common?

  What’s the difference between dwarves and blondes?

  CONVENIENT JUXTAPOSITIONS

  A convenient juxtaposition starts with an observation on a particular topic or situation, then finds another topic or situation of which the same observation is true. For example, Phyllis Diller’s gag below is about the futility of cleaning a house where children are continually making new mess.

  Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

  —Phyllis Diller

  Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

  —Carol Burnett

  Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

  —Groucho Marx

  To create a convenient juxtaposition gag:

  Make a list of other actions that illustrate your observation.

  Choose the most appropriate and draw the parallel.

  It’s possible to construct another joke on the same topic as Phyllis Diller’s by finding a new scenario that also illustrates the idea, ‘Actions that are immediately undone’.

  Make a list of actions that are immediately undone, e.g. windscreen-wipers clearing raindrops from a windscreen, jumping up high, blowing your nose when you have a bad cold.

  Selecting the latter, it’s possible to draw a direct comparison: ‘Cleaning up after kids is like blowing your nose when you have the flu: as soon as you’re done you feel like starting again’. Or, more obliquely, ‘I’d rather have a cold than clean up after kids. At least when I blow my nose I have something to show for it’.

  TWO-MEANINGS

  Comedian Ronnie Barker said, ‘The marvellous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only have one meaning’. As some of the gags above show, words with two meanings can be useful for clear and simple joke building. But ‘two-meanings’ gags can go a lot further than puns. They can comprise a play on a phrase, euphemism or name with two or more meanings.

  Last week, I flew into New York; the usual way, not like terrorists do it.

  —Author

  The double meaning of the phrase ‘flew into’ is the key to this joke.

  Euphemisms provide a bountiful world of joke components. In most cases their implied meaning is so commonly understood that it has overtaken their literal meaning. And that’s where the fun begins.

  I heard that my dentist bit the bullet. You’d think he’d know better.

  —Author

  My girlfriend sent me a ‘Dear John’ letter. But my name’s Kevin, so I dumped her.

  —Author

  We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard, ennui.

  —Jon Stewart

  Inverting words to create a new meaning can also provide a gag:

  Q: What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

  A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

  —Unattrib.

  Note that in designing the joke it’s necessary to begin with the punchline phrase (‘snatches watches’ versus ‘watches snatches’) and build the joke around it.

  Gordon R. Dickson’s collection of three novellas, The Right To Arm Bears (published in 1961) are a tidy play on the U.S. Constitution’s second amendment, ‘the right to bear arms’. The humour plays on the double-meanings of ‘bear’ and ‘arm’ depending on whether used as a verb or a noun.

  Some people are cursed with a name that is a pun in itself:

  Peter Abbott

  Sean Hedges

  Miles Long

  Ophelia Cox

  EXERCISE

  Devise jokes using the literal meaning of some common euphemisms:

  Example: ‘drop-dead gorgeous’: ‘I went out with a guy who was drop-dead gorgeous. Which is funny because when he was alive he was nothing special’.

  To be beside yourself

  To drop off the perch

  To drive someone up the wall

  To go down for the third time

  To fall off the back of a truck

  Of course, euphemisms are in themselves convenient juxtapositions that have endured because of the quality of their comic observation. To create your own euphemisms, try this ‘leap-frog’ technique:

  1. Think up as many associations with the subject as you can.

  For an example, let’s use everybody’s favourite comic event—farting. Common associations might include:

  Vapour

  Smelly

  Invisible

  Unpopular

  Embarrassing

  Noisy

  Release
/>
  Arse

  2. ‘Leap-frog’ each of these associations to secondary associations. Cast your imagination as broadly as possible, e.g. roles in life, active words, songs, phrases etcetera.

  For example:

  VAPOUR

  Steam

  Clouds

  Menthol Vapour Ointment

  Storm front

  SMELLY

  Bad breath

  Sewerage treatment facility

  Garbage collectors

  Pig-Pen from the comic strip Peanuts

  INVISIBLE

  Vanishing cream

  Ghosts

  Snipers

  Ninja warriors

  UNPOPULAR

  Politicians

  Parking inspectors

  Phone-marketers

  Offensive opinions

  EMBARRASSING

  Faux pas

  Red-faced

  Public shame

  Eric Carmen’s song ‘All By Myself’

  NOISY

  Marshall amplifier

  AC/DC

  Crisp packets

  Noisy neighbours

  RELEASE

  Set free

  On parole

  The Humperdink–Charles song ‘Release Me’

  The prophet Moses, ‘Let my people go’

  ARSE

  Back passage

  Doorway

  One-eyed

  Freckle

  As you can see, some of the new associations can be comic references to the subject in themselves. By massaging the secondary associations into suitable phrases, euphemisms for farting emerge:

  Airing an unwelcome opinion

  Putting out the garbage

  A noisy neighbour moving out

  Seeing the Minister to the door

  Parking a ghost

  If the subject of an intended gag is made up of more than one element, such as Phyllis Diller’s premise, ‘Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing’, identify the essential idea in the premise. In Diller’s case, the essential idea was ‘Actions that are immediately undone’, which provided the first step in the leap-frog to the punchline.

  SYNECDOCHES

  A synecdoche (pronounced ‘sin-ek-doh-key’) is a cousin to the euphemism and metaphor. (It’s worth learning this term for the intellectual cache alone.)